Why did the Desi cross the road?

Why did the Indian cross the road? That’s a rhetorical question. It’s similar to why the chicken crossed the road. Now, why did the chicken cross the road? Because the way traffic is today, it probably wanted to commit suicide! But that’s not precisely why the Indian wanted to cross the road. The Indian, going by his devout fait in Karma wanted to cross just the road, thank you please. He did not want to cross the road and “Break on through, to the other side”. He wanted to cross the road and pass his final exam, which was being conducted in the E1 Building on the other side of the road!

Now, since the majority of the readers are going to be Indians, you’ll probably wonder whether I’m taking a dig at them. Well I am, it’s about time someone did it, and who better to do the job, than an Indian himself.

Now, I’m what most of the American Born desi’s would call a -“FOB”-Fresh off the Boat. And understandably, I really don’t understand the American system yet. It’s pretty confusing to the average FOB. We Indians are not used to having things so….how do you say it? Organized! The honor system just doesn’t strike most of us as being something people should take seriously. So, coming back to track, I was looking to the right of the road and crossing, when suddenly; I felt a jet of warm air past my cheek and stopped myself dead in my tracks. Not too soon either, otherwise, the well-meaning driver of the car, would have killed me, all because hooting the horn is considered impolite in this topsy-turvy land. That’s when I realized, America is left-handed. Cars drive on the right side of the road. Motorists give way to pedestrians and bicycles. The government actually gives a damn about the welfare of its citizens. Honking is impolite. Strangers you have never seen in your life wish you Good Morning. Cops are polite.

Really amazing, don’t you think? Is this really the same country that’s being forced to choose between a rock and a hard place in the coming Presidential Elections? Are these really the same people who watch TV Shows like Jerry Springer? Nah, it couldn’t possibly be….could it? It’s probably why I couldn’t comprehend why the driver preferred running me over, rather than letting forth a series of loud blaring toots and yelling at me to get out of his way. Hell yeah, it would be impolite to cuss, but it definitely beats killing someone! But then, I started to mull over it and the whole fact made sense. The driver probably thought that by running me over, he was probably helping me achieve my karma and pass on to my next avatar. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. After all, that’s what us Indians are into, right? Karma, Elephant gods, The Great Indian Rope Trick, Flying carpets, Turbans, Snake charmers, Bhangra house music etc. This reminds me, the Great Indian rope Trick is actually an old Indian acronym for “I conned an American tourist today”. Rope in colloquial Indian slang means “To lie”. Other Indian terms meaning the same are “Blade”, “Reel”, etc. For example, in Karnataka , if I said-“ Hey, reel bid-beda!”, it would mean-“Hey, whose leg you trying to pull, dude?”.

Well, coming to the end of this article, my sincere request to all those motorists in the city of Chicago is to go ahead, raise the engines, toot all your horns, use any vocabulary you might see fit, to alert the Indian crossing the road to step back onto the kerb. Don’t worry, you’re not being impolite! And no, he will not sue! The concept of suing is viewed very amusingly by the average Indian. Be glad! You just saved someone’s life today.

What is the NAS phenomenon?

Nin Ajji Shaata! That most ubiquitous of Bengaloorisms! If this blog is being read by any Mallu's, NAS are not initials of some phenomenal Menon.
If I had to describe NAS in one word, I would have to say I cant. Why because, in 3 words, it sums up shock, surprise, retort, disbelief, contempt, anger and the list goes on. In the past 6 years, 4 since i joined MVIT for my undergraduate degree in Engineering and 2 in the US for my MS, I have heard NAS being uttered so much, it no longers jars. Its almost like the word 'fuck'! You use it so much, it becomes more of a punctuation mark in your battery of verbal assault, than an insult.
Say it to yourself a couple of times every morning and night and you will see I'm telling the truth.

NAS...Nin Ajji Shaata.."Your Grandma's Pubic Hair". When uttering this choiciest of phrases, it must be acompanied by a particular hand action for utmost effect of delivery. It's like being on stage..you have to speak from the stomach for your words to carry right to the lst rows of audience.
Firstly, both palms must be stretched, fingers pressed against each other with the thumb sticking out perpendicular to the index finger...like a ..like a ...sore thumb! Next, move your hands so that your palms are about 10 inches apart and facing each other. Then, keeping that poition, move the hands so that the palms trace a circle in the air and then taper down towards your crotch, the palms slowly angling outwards as you do this. End result, your palms should be pointing at your crotch, sort of like a brackets.
Do this everyday..treat it like an exercise..like 'beligge beligge maduva Tai-CHI'.
Pretty soon you'll be a different person; Relaxed, Calm, Swolpa Adjist Madi attitude will be some of the things you can use to describe yourself, once you give in and follow the NAS way.